Funny Christian Quotes Pictures | Hilarious Christian Sayings (2024)

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. George Bernard Shaw

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Garrison Keillor

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
Herb Caen

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.
Thomas Paine

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

The number of followers you have doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
Anonymous

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.
Billy Graham

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
G. K. Chesterton

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
Mahatma Ghandi

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
Mark Twain

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
Dante Rossetti

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.
Curtis McDougall

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Napoleon

We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking only to learn that it is God shaking them.
Charles West

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
Ronald Reagan

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried.
G. K. Chesterton

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Mark Twain

People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry

It is time the Arabs and the Jews sat down and settled this dispute in the true Christian spirit.
Senator Warren Austin

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said “No”.
Stevie Smith

Faith my be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
H. L. Mencken

Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch, which ought to be applied as sparingly as possible.
E. M. Forster

If there were no faith there would be no living in this world. We couldn’t even eat hash with any safety.
Josh Billings

Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does the thinking.
R. Buckminster Fuller

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner

Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
Oscar Wilde

Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Ralph Hodgson

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ve never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith – it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe.
Robert A. Heinlein

The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
Benjamin Franklin

We have not lost faith. but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.
George Bernard Shaw

Those of little faith are of little hatred.
Eric Hoffer

Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains…. But it can put mountains where there are none.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Garrison Keillor

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.
H. L. Mencken

Go to church this Sunday – avoid the Christmas rush.
London graffito

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
Thomas Ybarra

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
Ingrid Bergman

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.
Robert Orben

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
Yiddish Proverb

If you can’t get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
Mark Twain

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
Thomas Szasz

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
Betty Reese

If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem wonderful at all!
Michelangelo

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.
Henry Ford

Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz

Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They may have different tastes.
George Bernard Shaw

If you use the church’s WiFi, are you receiving God’s signal?
Anonymous

My dear child, you must believe in God despite what the clergy tell you.
Benjamin Jowett

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.
Peter De Vries

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

I’d rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn’t, than to live my whole life assuming there isn’t a God, only to find out there is.
Peter Barry

Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation?
Joseph Heller

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
Quentin Crisp

If there were no God, there would be no atheists.
G. K. Chesterton

Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn’t misuse it.
Pope John Paul II

Is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s blunders?
Friedrich Nietzsche

You talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you, you’re psychotic.
Doris Egan

God is dead. But don’t worry – the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.
Los Angeles graffito

You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes…and trembles.
James

God is the immortal refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos. He will set them above their betters.
H. L. Mencken

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