It’s hard to describe in words how little interest I had in the numerous copycats following Ridley Scott’s 2000 historical epic Gladiator, including Scott’s own Kingdom of Heaven, but, well, let’s just say that you’d have more luck making an actual friend on social media nowadays than finding my interest. Then again, around the early-to-mid-2000s, I’d sort of given up on movies anyway, so there was a lot I missed in general. Since my patience in such epics has increased as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started playing catch-up, and actually found myself somewhat entertained.
I could really end this review on the phrase “somewhat entertained” and my job would be done, but I’lll plough on a little longer.
So, yes, the pedigree of this surprising box office success wasn’t great. I mean, Wolfgang Petersen was a very skilled director, sure, but no great artist; Orlando Bloom hurts my face like a broken bottle; and Brad Pitt is off-putting simply due to his being a staple of gossip columns. The latter isn’t his fault though, in fact I always enjoy Pitt in whatever he does. He has what I call “The Schwarzenegger Effect” - a terrible actor with a mischievous twinkle in their eye that makes them endlessly watchable. Indeed, for being the thing that put me off the most about this movie, Pitt keeps it afloat.
Much like the thousand ships that Diane Kruger’s dullness launches.
Sorry, Diane, I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re just kinda there in this movie.
As I’m sure is the case with most reviewers, I’m unable to compare this film to Homer’s Iliad, as I simply haven’t been able to get through it yet. I do try every now and then though, in fact I’ve just found a nice audiobook version read by Anthony Heald, which I recommend. Still, the tale of the fall of Troy has been knocking around for 3,000 years now, so we all know the basic beats. Saying that, I did feel like I was watching the third part of a trilogy before catching the first two. I think they were purposefully avoiding dumping too much exposition on the audience, but this is a rare example of where a little more exposition would have been great. Instead, this final product (perhaps it was all better explained in the screenplay, so I’m not going to blame the credited writer) requires you to be invested in characters and situations without giving you a reason to care. Characters keep ominously talking about going off to war with Troy, but, as an audience, we don’t know where Troy is, where the city sits within the geopolitical arena of the day, or what it mans to go off to war with it. Again, it feels like we’re being unhelpfully dropped into the third act of a larger story.
I suppose the problem is, well, what are you supposed to actually say about the city of Troy?! We’re still, to this day, not even 100% sure Troy, or Ilium, even existed. Archaeologists have found the ruins of a city in Turkey that matches Homer’s description, but they’ve yet to find an inscription carved in stone on one of the buildings that reads: “HERE BE THE FAMOUS CITY OF TROY THAT YOU’VE ALL HEARD OF AND THEY MADE A SO-SO BRAD PITT MOVIE ABOUT”. There aren’t even any explicit mentions of Troy in the abundance of documentation we’ve found from that period, although scholars have theorised the city went by numerous names. So, yeah, what do you say about a city that may or may not have existed and, apart from a tale sung by a traveling bard millennia ago, seemed to make no impact on the bustling international community around it?! The solution this film comes up with is to say nothing at all. I think they were relying on the success of Lord of the Rings around the time of Troy’s release to help its audience get the general idea. So, instead of “Frodo’s going off to Mordor”, we have “Brad Pitt’s going off to Troy”. I guess going off to Troy is bad, is it? I dunno, but Julie Christie seems slightly concerned for him.
Not to worry though, as Troy the film is buoyed by a handful of marvellously hammy performances that elevate it above being merely 3 hours of tedious battle scenes. In fact, it becomes a strangely riveting soap opera which, much to my surprise, I found myself wanting to savour for as long as possible. Seriously, I made a point of spreading my viewing over 3 days, as I just didn’t want it to end. I may even watch it again quite soon. One significant element that I think helped, was that I was never too sure who to root for. Normally, this would be a problem, but that moral ambiguity kept my interest throughout all the pouting and gratuitous man-meat. Due to the dual drippiness of the insipid Bloom and Eric Bana, I actually wanted Brian Cox and Brendan Gleeson to kick their skinny little arses. Gleeson’s hand-to-hand confrontation with Bloom is a thing of absolute joy. I’m honestly never sure whether to be terrified of Gleeson or to cuddle him. What a beautiful teddy bear of a man he is! The fury in his eyes as he bears down on Bloom’s wet fop is wonderful, and one of the film’s true highlights. Especially if, like me, you curse Peter Jackson for poisoning the art of cinema with Bloom’s presence.
I’d apologise for being mean, like I did with Kruger, but I just can’t bring myself to.
Cox seems to know exactly what nonsense he’s in, so chews the scenery with aplomb. The screen mercifully bursts into flames every time he appears, and his Agamemnon roaring: “Burn it! Burn it!” towards the end provoked giggles of glee from me. It’s such a shame he shares his name with that obnoxious pop-scientist. Actor Cox certainly has more to do here than Peter O’Toole, who is rather underused. As is Sean Bean, but I suppose he was holding out for the sequel that never came.
Which is the real tragedy here.
While I think I’ve heard of Rose Byrne, I don’t appear to have seen her in anything before. Pty, as she’s great in this, and I’m sure anyone who has seen Troy, be they man, woman, gay, or straight, will have fallen in love with her cherubic features too. Her standout performance is no mean feat either, considering she pulls focus from Kruger’s not-worth-the-war Helen.
The version of Troy I watched was the 2007 Director’s Cut, but I honestly couldn’t tell which scenes one would cut for a shorter theatrical release, which I’m taking as a positive. Everything felt necessary, even though I actually wanted more. And that’s what I took away mostly from Troy in the end - a sense that, while I hadn’t just experienced high-art, the sheer epic melodrama and charisma of its mostly-charming ensemble made it a sincere pleasure to finally sit down to.
Now, let’s have a prequel and that Odyssey sequel, please!
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
